So three weeks ago, I graduated from college.
Most people have asked me since walking the stage and turning my tassel, how it was to graduate and how I feel now. I ponder this question every time I’m asked, giving a different answer each time. I honestly don’t know how to feel. Most of the time I say, “It was great! Enjoyed every minute!” but in my head, in my heart I say… “It’s over. This time of my life is over and I have no idea what I’m doing”. I get the constant question of, “So, what’s next? “.
And I honestly hate not having a definite answer. I simply say… “Not sure yet. Moving back home to reassess”. Whatever the heck that’s supposed to mean.
I just got through five years of taking classes, having part-time jobs, and worrying about exams and papers. Now suddenly, it feels like, I have to take on real responsibility. Do I feel even remotely prepared to take on a full-time job in my field? No. Do I feel ready to say that I’m truly an adult yet? No. Am I ready for any of the next steps that most people post-college take in life? NO!! I’m not ready for any of it! I feel like I’ve been pushed onto a ledge and any moment I’m going to be pushed head-first into a black hole of unknown. I’m terrified.
For me, sitting here and typing this for everyone to know is as equally terrifying. I was told once that I’m a perfectionist and didn’t really believe it but now I see that that is an accurate description of myself. I ‘ve always wanted things done a certain way, at a certain time, and the way I want it. I plan and I plan some more. I set a goal for myself, doing everything in my power to reach it. Now though, I feel like I have no control. I don’t have a definite plan. I have multiple little side streets I could try but no straight path. Pretty much… I have no idea what I’m doing with my life.
The job search is tough. I’ve applied for over a dozen jobs so far and heard back from none. Sent my resumes out to so many more and heard nothing. It becomes discouraging after a while. You work so hard for a degree only to get out and have to jump through hoops to try and land a job you may like.
I’m moving back to my hometown, not sure of what my social and spiritual life will look like. I didn’t really keep up with a lot of people from high school and there are less people my age. It’s as if I’m starting over again in making friends and building relationships.
I know that everyone goes through this but it’s my first time dealing with such a huge transition. Everyday I have mixed emotions about it all and I don’t know what to feel. I’m scared about moving back in with my parents and how different that might look now that I’m older, I’m scared of watching my sister start her first transition to college and watching her grow up. I’m scared of not finding a job or finding one that I don’t enjoy. I’m scared of having to make new friends at the age of soon to be twenty three when I should already have them.
My only solution to all of these worries is prayer. Full, deep, heartfelt prayer. Prayer that makes you cry. It’s my hope that God is working to fulfill them right now. To open a door for a great job opportunity, to help lead me toward decisions about attending Graduate school in the next few years, and to open doors to meaningful, Godly friendships back home. His word says that He hears our prayers and listens. He is faithful. This is the only definitive thing I can trust in right now, the only thing that makes sense in life and it’s what I’m clinging to right now.
If you’re like me and in transition right now, pray and know that God’s got this. I just keep reminding myself that everyday. Trust in it fully!